Kouga's Surprise Birthday
by The Fellow Marauder
Summary: A belated birthday present for my friend, Ian. Sango and Kagome try to show their appreciation and friendship to Kouga by throwing him a birthday party. No lemons, sorries. But funny-funny. R&R! One shot


"Hey, guys." Kagome said, coming out of the tent that she shared with Sango for the night, along with Kilala.

"Morning." Miroku smiled and made a move to grope Kagome ((a morning ritual )), but Kagome evaded his touch. In doing so, he led himself straight into the path of Inu-Yasha. Inu-Yasha glared coldly down at Miroku. Miroku looked up at him hesitantly and laughed a little, nervously. "Hee, hee... Ohyaou, Inu-Yasha-sama." Inu-Yasha, with his fist clenched and a vein bulging in his forhead in the perfect anime style, then began to mercilessly beat the living crap out of Miroku-kun. Miroku yelped everytime that he was struck by one of Inu-Yasha's many blows.

"BAKA, BAKA, BAKA, BAKA, BAKA, BAKA!!!!!!!!!!" Inu-Yasha screamed everytime he hit Miroku. Miroku then began to cry with pain.

"Ohyaou, Sango." Kagome said, as Sango came out of their tent. She was already dressed in her cute kimono and was holding her even more cute kitty, Kilala.

"Ohyaou..." Sango replied, looking as if something was on her mind.

"What's up, Sango?" Kagome asked, concerned in case Sango was depressed again over Kohaku.

Sango shook her head slowly. "It's nothing..." She replied. But Kagome, being nosy, said,

"C'mon, Sango." She said, gently shaking Sango's arm. Sango looked at her as Kagome pleaded. "Tell me what's wrong! Please?" Having such a cute face, Sango was tempted to tell her... and she eventually gave in.

"I was just wondering... when is Kouga's birthday?"

Kagome was confused. "Why do you wanna know Kouga's birthday?"

"Because he's our friend and ally now, right? I mean, he and Inu-Yasha still hate each other... but he's still one of us now. I thought it'd be nice to throw him a birthday party." Kagome gasped loudly.

"That's it!" She exclaimed, slamming her fist in the open palm of her hand. "We'll throw him a surprise birthday party!" Sango agreed, although they took a moment to be silent, thinking when the heck Kouga's birthday could be.

From far away, Kouga was sitting all by himself. He then suddenly sneezed. Wiping his nose, he sniffed. "Hmm..." He said quietly to himself. "Someone must be talking about me..."

"Do you know Kouga's birthday?" Sango asked Kagome.

Kagome shook her head and sighed heavily. "I don't know." She then got an idea. "I know! We'll just throw him a surprise birthday party anyway!"

"Yeah!" Sango replied. Kilala meowed to show her approval. In the background, Miroku was still getting whipped by Inu-Yasha.

Again, with Kouga: Kouga sneezed three times while Kagome and Sango planned his birthday party. "Someone IS talking about me!" He exclaimed, almost sounding paranoid.

"What are you talking about, Kouga?" Shippou asked, walking up to him after picking some beautiful and delicious berries and walking back to the others. "Why would they be talking about _you_?" He chuckled. "You're not cute." Kouga glared at him and then then attacked Shippou. Shippou screamed.

_A day later..._

"Inu-Yasha!" Kagome complained, bitching at the dog-demon.

"What?!" Inu-Yasha snapped.

"Hold it up higher! You're ruining the banner!" Kagome bitched.

"I don't know why I have to help." Inu-Yasha grumbled. "I don't even LIKE this wolf-boy."

"Shut up and help me fix this banner!" Kagome screamed at him, getting annoyed at him. Disgruntled, he did what she said because, let's face it, Kagome has a hold over Inu-Yasha!

Sango was hanging up the balloons. Miroku, in body casts from the day before's beating by Inu-Yasha, was now almost passed out and blue in the face because of all the balloons Kagome had brought from her era and made him blow up; he was no other help in setting up the decorations. Miroku was laying on his back, breathing heavily. "I... despise... you... Kagome-sama..." With one cold and threatening look from Inu-Yasha, Miroku shut his mouth. Sango giggled. Kilala was laying on her shoulder while Sango was hanging the balloons.

"Oh, be quiet, Miroku." She smiled. Inu-Yasha was still grumbling after he and Kagome had hung up the banner.

"Shut up, Inu-Yasha." Kagome sighed heavily. "This will be fun."

"WHY should I do something nice for this guy?" He asked. "We don't even get along!"

"Will you just do something nice for ONCE, Inu-Yasha? Rin and Sesshi should be here soon. It'll be fun." Inu-Yasha was still not convinced, so he and Kagome got into a brief little spat, concluding in Kagome screaming Inu-Yasha to 'sit' three times. Kaede, who had then walked up to help a little with the decorations, chuckled at Kagome's attack at Inu-Yasha. When Inu-Yasha got up, he wiped the dirt off of his face and growled at Kaede.

"This is your fault, Kaede! Why did you have to put this stupid necklace on me?!" He tried to pull it off, but it shocked him like a modern-day electric-shock collar for dogs. He growled and rolled around on the ground, still trying to pull it off him. He did look like a mutt-puppy like that. Kaede, Kagome, and Sango all chuckled. Miroku laughed too, but tried to hide his laughter so Inu-Yasha would not try to harm him again.

"You really DO look like a mongrol, Inu-Yasha. Stupid mutt-face."

Inu-Yasha growled. "Go take a long walk off a short pier, Kouga." He spat at him, still trying to get off the collar. Kagome and Sango were still laughing then they both gasped loudly. They spun around and looked to see Kouga.

"Aaaaaahhhhh!" Kagome screamed, trying to hide all the decorations for Kouga's party by standing three feet in front of him, spreading out her arms and legs in a "blocking" stance. "Sango! Get Kouga out of here!"

"Ri-- right!" She exclaimed, then she ran towards Kouga and pulled him away hastily.

"Hey! " Kouga exclaimed, trying to pull back. He had absolutely no interest in what the decorations were, or who they were for... but being pulled hurriedly away from them made Kouga suspicious. "Stop doing this, Sango!" He pushed her to the ground and then tried to hurry back towards the others. Kilala jumped off of Sango's shoulder and grew bigger. She then blocked Kouga from going anywhere. Kouga sighed heavily and finally, defeatedly, gave up. Kicking a stone far away, he growled and turned away. "I don't care, anyway." After he was gone, Sango sighed heavily. Kilala went back to her usual size and ran up to Sango. She rubbed her head against Sango's arm and purred. Sango smiled sweetly and picked Kilala up before returning to her other friends to help with the decorations.

_A few hours later..._

"OH, KKKKOOOOOOOUUUUUUUGGGGAAAAAAAAA-KKUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!" Sango said, in a sing-song voice, looking for Kouga with Kagome with her. When they found him, they dragged him off with Kilala's help, bringing him back to the place of his party. He was disgruntled and was annoyed that he could not get away from them. When they arrived, Sango removed the blindfold from around his eyes.

"SURPRISE!!!!!!!!!!" They screamed, scaring the living daylight out of Kouga. He looked around and his mouth hung open in surprise and shock.

"What... what is THIS?" He asked.

"YOUR BIRTHDAY PARTY!" Kagome exclaimed.

"Uh......" Kouga did not know what to say, but it did not look like he was very pleased. Inu-Yasha noticed this. He got angry.

"You ungrateful...!" He said between his teeth and clenching his fists, walking towards the wolf-demon. "We worked really hard on this for you!"

"Well, if you did it, Inu-Yasha..." Kouga growled. "I don't want anything to do with this."

"You bastard...." Inu-Yasha said angrily. He tried to attack Kouga, but Kagome intervened.

"SIT!" She exclaimed.

"Ahh!" Inu-Yasha screamed before he hit the ground. Getting up, he shook lightly with anger. Through clenched teeth, he was now angry at Kagome. "Will you stop doing that?" He growled.

"Shut up, Inu-Yasha." Kagome said off-handedly. Taking Kouga's arm, she then proceeded to pull him towards the decorations. He trudged along, but did not full-out refuse to go along with her. Sango happily followed.

"Now, sit down, Kouga." Because Kagome said 'sit', Inu-Yasha was slammed into the ground as he tried to follow Kagome and Sango. He screamed again.

"Damn you, Kagome!" Kagome then pushed Kouga down on the chair and then Kagome and Sango burraided him with gifts.

"This one is from me!" Kagome exclaimed, happily. Kouga pulled the Tokyo newspaper off of the gift and looked at Kagome's gift.

"Phy-- physics?!" He exclaimed, looking at Kagome in disgust and confusion. "What the hell is this?!"

Kagome shrugged. "It was all I really had... plus, I hate physics..." She looked at Sango for help, but she offered none.

Sango handed Kouga another gift. "This one is from Miroku." Kouga unwrapped it and found a pair of pink, frilly girl panties. Miroku laughed evilly and pervertedly. Kouga raised his eyebrows in surprise and slight disgust. But he enjoyed it a little... even his face could show that.

"I thought you'd enjoy that, Kouga." Miroku smiled. Even Inu-Yasha blushed slightly.

"Hey..." Kagome said, thinking a moment.

"What is it?" Sango asked.

"I think those panties... are one of mine..." Sango's mouth dropped. Miroku's eyes widened in fear, and widened even further when Inu-Yasha turned to glare at Miroku.

"MIROKU!!!" He screamed. Miroku tried to scurry away, but, thanks to his injuries the day before from Inu-Yasha, he could not get away. Thus, Inu-Yasha reached him and attacked.

PSA: -this part of the fanfic has been edited out because of unprintable violence-

"This is my present, Kouga." Sango said. Kouga tore off the paper. He looked down at it strangely.

"_FAKE_ and _Gravitation_?" He asked, reading the titles of the books he was given. He looked at Sango. "What the hell is this?"

"Yaoi." Sango smiled. "Yaoi manga. Kagome gave it to me."

"Right." Kagome smiled, agreeing.

Kouga flipped through it and then tossed the books on the ground. "Trash." He said disgusted. Sango gasped loudly and leaped for the precious yaoi manga. She picked it up and clutched the books tightly to her chest. She hissed at Kouga.

"BAD, KOUGA! BAD!!!" She hissed at him before running off to place the precious yaoi manga in a very safe place.

Continuing on, now being the only one there, Kagome said, "This one is from Shippou." She handed him a small box. Inside it was empty.

"What?!" Kouga exclaimed. "Where's my present?!" He looked around to find Shippou and demand his present. "SHIPPOU!"

Shippou came out from behind a bush where he was with Kilala. "Those berries I had yesterday WERE your present." Shippou said. "BUT YOU RUINED THEM WHEN YOU ATTACKED ME!"

Just then, there was a prolonged, "Mmmmmmmooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo..........." Before a cough, sputter and thump, when Totousai arrived. His three-eyed cow collapsed onto the ground and deflated. Inu-Yasha, who had finally finished torturing and harming Miroku, walked up to Totousai. He looked at Totousai's cow. Kicking it lightly, he said,

"Uh... Totousai...?" He said, questioningly. "Why is your cow... like that?"

"Oh..." Totousai shrugged. "It's just an inflatable cow. My real one is in the shop."

"'In the shop'?" Inu-Yasha said skeptically.

Suddenly, Totousai remembered why he was there. "Inu-Yasha-sama!" He cried, running up to hide behind Inu-Yasha. Angry, Inu-Yasha looked down at Totousai, disgusted.

"What are you doing?" He demanded.

"Your brother!" Totousai exclaimed. "He's after me!"

Inu-Yasha sighed in disgust. "AGAIN?! God, Totousai, this is getting old!"

"He is!" Totousai said, paranoid and senile. "He's after me! He's out to get me!"

"He is not, ya old coot!" Inu-Yasha exclaimed, pushing Totosai off of him. Just then, Sesshomaru and Rin came over.

"TOTOUSAI!" Sesshomaru exclaimed.

"Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!" Totousai screamed like a little girl and hid behind Inu-Yasha again. "Save me!" He pleaded.

"Well, well." Inu-Yasha smirked. "If it isn't Sesshi-kun."

"Where is Totousai?" Sesshomaru demanded.

"I don't know." Inu-Yasha said, smugly, just wanting to piss off his older brother and provoke him.

"I KNOW YOU KNOW WHERE HE IS, LITTLE BROTHER!!!" Sesshomaru exclaimed. "He owes me money from our poker game last night!"

Inu-Yasha was dumbfounded. "Po-- poker game?!"

"Yes!" Sesshomaru replied, angry. "Kagome taught us how to play!" Inu-Yasha weilded on Kagome but Kagome simply smiled innocently and shrugged. "He owes me money! Where is Totousai?!"

Inu-Yasha, realizing it would be usless to fight his older brother over a dumb poker game, dragged Totousai out from behind him and tossed him at Sesshomaru.

"YOU TRAITOR!!!" Totousai screamed at Inu-Yasha. Inu-Yasha merely sighed in disgust and turned away from Totousai, muttering,

"Poker..." In disgust. Sesshomaru then pulled Totousai up by his ankles and then began to shake him about upside down, collecting anything that Totousai had on him. Suddenly, Kouga got angry. He ran up to Sesshomaru, charging him and he tackled him while Sesshi was off-guard. Getting up, Sesshi exclaimed,

"What the hell?!" He glared coldly at Kouga. "What was that for?!"

"Presents!" Kouga exclaimed. Sesshi was confused.

"Pre-- presents?"

"YES! It's my birthday party! If you are here, you need to bring me presents! Where are my presents?!"

"I... don't have one for you." Sesshomaru replied.

"Don't have one?" Kouga was quite preturbed.

"No..." Sesshomaru said slowly.

"Then get out!" Kouga exclaimed. With that, he picked up Sesshomaru and Totousai and FLUNG them far away into the horizon. Everyone looked at him strangely. Kouga was possessed now, it seemed. He was acting a lot like Smeagol from LotR! "Anyone who doesn't give Kouga presents... LEAVES!!" And he laughed maniacally. Kagome, being the bitchy and dramatic girly-teen that she is, then backed slowly away from the wolf-demon that was slowly-but-surely going insane.

Just then... SANGO CAME BACK!!! She charged at Kouga, for she heard his insane comment, and she did not glomp him like many would think. No, she tackled him. As in: A-T-T-A-C-K-E-D-! He was flung to the ground.

"Presents?!" She screamed at him. "PRESENTS?! I give you the best damn present in this whole stupid fanfic, but you call it trash and toss it, while you pocket Kagome's panties!" With that, to prove her point, Sango reached into Kouga's pocket ((does he HAVE pockets???)) and pulled out Kagome's panties. Kagome gasped in a girl-y way and slapped Koga.

"Perv!" She exclaimed, ditzingly.

"I hate you, Kouga! You called yaoi 'trash'!" Sango screamed.

--finito--


End file.
